Letting it come to the surface

Most of us have, a something, in our lives that we perceive as a threat. An inerrant something that we either haven't fully accepted or acknowledged. I believe this becomes an area of our lives that we study, try to make a project of.
We intellectualize it -make theory's or draw uncertain conclusions.
Like alcoholism, or gambling, or drug addiction.
I know people- so do you, who have made recovery a social endeavor,
as well as, a personal project.
Some people however, recover to a point, then (successfully) let it rest.
Thinking to themselves, "well now that I understand, I will just let it be".

I did this concerning my sexuality, and it shocks just the same.

It shocks, because, I can hear in my head...Oh, it's you again (sexuality)-Didn't I come to a conclusion on you? Are you sure I need to revisit? Didn't I agree to just let it be? I'm positive I have all the necessary information, and have done all the revealing I am comfortable doing.
I love my gay, gay, self. I am a Lesbian, Feminist, Wiccan, Mother.

End of self talk... acceptance is such a beautiful thing.

For me, my sexuality has been the project. I spent years trying to make believe it wasn't true. Then, finally accepting myself, I had to go about the the task of "outing myself" and untangling from a painful and false existence.

I am not the type to need neon signs-complete with blinking, pointing arrows- aimed at myself.


I've had no desire to advertise.
Much the same as when I was faking (abysmally) heterosexuality.

I just don't see the point of making a public display of my sexuality, my sexual nature, my sexual expression...my sexual orientation. I believe it is all private.

Well, I am right. And, I was wrong.
My privacy, and my need for it, are deeply seated aspects of my nature.

My writing is an attempt to bring all of us (humanity) to a deeper collective understanding of how fundamental honesty is to our understanding of self, and our connection to each other.

So, my privacy be damned.
It is a small thing in comparison to the atrocity of internal homophobia. And, I have some.

I thought I was "out" enough. I reasoned, I am keeping myself "safe" by only allowing those closest to me- friends and family- know that I'm gay. Is it really everyone's business? I've never thought so. I have never walked up to a stranger, or a friend, or a family member, and asked -so how is your straight sex life? I assume that if someone wants me to know, then they will offer me the information. I never asked, anyone, so, what's on your straight agenda?

Has sex, and sexuality become so base, so crass, that we need someone else's details to fill in the blanks of our own perceived threats?

I am a gay woman. I am I lesbian. I am a woman centered woman. I was born into this world with my orientation encoded into my DNA. I don't care if you like it.

But, I do care if I like it.
Sometimes, I have not.

Having someone point at me and tell me I am an abomination, because I am gay, is painful.

Telling it to myself, and not wanting to reveal my sexuality to the world around me, is far more painful and damaging.

So, I am going to wear the neon signs, complete with blinking arrows-pointed at myself,
because, it is my healing I'm after.
Because, I am not going to -let it rest.
Because, I intend to make a social endeavor of it.
This is my very personal project, and I don't care what you think about "it" or me.
I care however, how I think... I will not be threatened by my own nature, my own self.

So, if you want to be close to me, mind the neon, it's expensive to replace broken arrows.

...If you want to be close to me, then sit, I will pencil you into my gay agenda.

-Renee