My God, I wish I could shake the feeling of dread. Seriously.
I know that the only 'things' that are ever lost are the 'things' that needed to go.
I know this to be truth.
But, what if it involves people? How is it that love and respect are lost.
I understand a 'thing' being lost but not an emotion. My relationship with my teen daughter is in some kind of death spiral. I can't find a space for her and I to be in. My child has turned into someone that I can't trust, can't understand, and simply can't please.
I miss her tremendously. I miss my child. The one who loved me...
I am in a blue funk. I am disgusted with American bureaucracy, our leaders, their agendas and how the continued gutting of the American middle class has altered the course of my life.
My daughters life.
I am embarrassed that I didn't get a stronger foothold on this life before trying to raise a child. Yet, I would never change how or why I became a mother.
The strong in our society, the high earners, don't fear recriminations from their children
in the same way as the rest of us do. Their children's educations are paid for.
Their health care is world class. Their vacations are plentiful- not much to complain
about when that's the world you get to wake up in.
I wanted to offer that world to my daughter. I hoped to show her that life is meant to be enjoyed- not a drudgery. I grew up around pinched pennies, dreams shelved, and hopes dashed. Always, it was due to a lack of money.
I swore I could break the cycle. I still believe I can. I know I can.
But, all she sees is loss, all she sees is me, losing 'things'.
Out current economy is straining anything good that's coming into my life before it can be fully realized. I just need for the bottom of this financial pit to show itself so the 'debris picking' can fully begin.
Now, her dad isn't included in this witnessing...
He never reaches, so he never falls from grace.
No effort means nothing to lose. Her anger would never extend to him. She demands nothing of him, but won't allow me an opportunity to show her that hard work and authenticity are risks that rarely pay off in the short term.
It takes time.
She demands nothing from him and everything from me.
All I can give her right now is my faith that 'things' will right themselves.
I am a risk taker. I continue trying, and pushing, and falling on my ass.
And, every time I fall I can feel my daughters respect leave.
I can feel her love for me leave.
I remember the little girl who flew on a plane with me when she was 7.
The one who used to read with me-every night.
I remember the young lady who would delight in a day out- a movie,
dinner just her, and I.
How we both have grown and changed.
How cruel life's lessons are.
How pain-filled our world has become.
I wake up everyday believing that I can make a better world for the both of us.
I believe that in the end she will see, how much I tried to whisk all the hardship away.
I know that somewhere in her critical, judgmental, grieved, pissed off at the world heart-
she loves me.
Somehow, someway, I need her to see that 'things' will come and go.
Respect, well, there's never a guarantee on that one- ever.
She either will or won't.
I can't worry over her choice to respect me or not.
Love, to me means- no matter what.
It doesn't require understanding of politics, injustice, or home finances.
Love doesn't require a place to lay ones head, or a car, or any 'things'
Love just needs a little faith, a little trust, and some hope.
I love my caustic, accusing, selfish, beautiful, amazing, intelligent,
judgmental, selectively harsh child, with all my heart.
No matter what.
-Renee
I know that the only 'things' that are ever lost are the 'things' that needed to go.
I know this to be truth.
But, what if it involves people? How is it that love and respect are lost.
I understand a 'thing' being lost but not an emotion. My relationship with my teen daughter is in some kind of death spiral. I can't find a space for her and I to be in. My child has turned into someone that I can't trust, can't understand, and simply can't please.
I miss her tremendously. I miss my child. The one who loved me...
I am in a blue funk. I am disgusted with American bureaucracy, our leaders, their agendas and how the continued gutting of the American middle class has altered the course of my life.
My daughters life.
I am embarrassed that I didn't get a stronger foothold on this life before trying to raise a child. Yet, I would never change how or why I became a mother.
The strong in our society, the high earners, don't fear recriminations from their children
in the same way as the rest of us do. Their children's educations are paid for.
Their health care is world class. Their vacations are plentiful- not much to complain
about when that's the world you get to wake up in.
I wanted to offer that world to my daughter. I hoped to show her that life is meant to be enjoyed- not a drudgery. I grew up around pinched pennies, dreams shelved, and hopes dashed. Always, it was due to a lack of money.
I swore I could break the cycle. I still believe I can. I know I can.
But, all she sees is loss, all she sees is me, losing 'things'.
Out current economy is straining anything good that's coming into my life before it can be fully realized. I just need for the bottom of this financial pit to show itself so the 'debris picking' can fully begin.
Now, her dad isn't included in this witnessing...
He never reaches, so he never falls from grace.
No effort means nothing to lose. Her anger would never extend to him. She demands nothing of him, but won't allow me an opportunity to show her that hard work and authenticity are risks that rarely pay off in the short term.
It takes time.
She demands nothing from him and everything from me.
All I can give her right now is my faith that 'things' will right themselves.
I am a risk taker. I continue trying, and pushing, and falling on my ass.
And, every time I fall I can feel my daughters respect leave.
I can feel her love for me leave.
I remember the little girl who flew on a plane with me when she was 7.
The one who used to read with me-every night.
I remember the young lady who would delight in a day out- a movie,
dinner just her, and I.
How we both have grown and changed.
How cruel life's lessons are.
How pain-filled our world has become.
I wake up everyday believing that I can make a better world for the both of us.
I believe that in the end she will see, how much I tried to whisk all the hardship away.
I know that somewhere in her critical, judgmental, grieved, pissed off at the world heart-
she loves me.
Somehow, someway, I need her to see that 'things' will come and go.
Respect, well, there's never a guarantee on that one- ever.
She either will or won't.
I can't worry over her choice to respect me or not.
Love, to me means- no matter what.
It doesn't require understanding of politics, injustice, or home finances.
Love doesn't require a place to lay ones head, or a car, or any 'things'
Love just needs a little faith, a little trust, and some hope.
I love my caustic, accusing, selfish, beautiful, amazing, intelligent,
judgmental, selectively harsh child, with all my heart.
No matter what.
-Renee
2 comments:
Renee, there is no time more difficult that the teenage years. I know it is painful, I have raised 5 kids so I know all to well. If you had all the best that money could buy the separation would still be there. She will come back to you, you will get glimpses from time to time of your little girl. In a few years she will become your best friend. The daughter you feel you have lost will come back to you as a woman, needing all your wisdom. Just love her and all will be well.
I understand and feel your pain. I have no words of wisdom, as I did lose my child, completely and totally due to the manipulations of my family, and the fact that they are rich - and I am not. She decided she wanted "things" and didn't care if there was no love attached. I remember her being angry with me because I worked two jobs and would not go on welfare - because kids on welfare had newer and better "things" than she did. I do wish, sometimes, that things had turned out differently. I don't believe she is a happy person now. She had her "things" but they came at a price. I tried to tell her they would - after all, I know that family too well - but she believed their lies and gave more value to money than love. I wonder if now she regrets that? I will never know, since part of the price of the things was to cut me out of her life completely. I hope that somewhere deep in her heart she knows that I always loved her, and I always will.
You still have your daughter. Keep right on loving her. Someday, she will understand that love is far more valuable than "things". I grew up without love and all the "things" in the world will never fill that void. (I have love and a very wonderful life now - no worries)
Blessedbe
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