Stop, all the mad and crazy holding on...
Just stop, and breath in some life for a second.
Just stop, and breath in some life for a second.
This constant struggle has me forgetting my needs, my womanhood, and
This on-going feud with my daughter, a silence that will not lay quietly- the loudest silence I have ever known, has brought me to a craving for breaking free, for wild release.
I don't give a shit how my 'living' will be viewed by family and friends.
I need to be selfish for a while.
I've spent too many years in between, being good, being careful, being less then I am capable of, for what? My youth is almost behind me. I see the wrinkles forming on my hands and around my eyes.
Before my 30's disappear from view, I'll invest more time on my purpose, my needs, my daring, my journey.
I demand a month, a year, two years, of tussle and swing. By God, I dare any one to stand in the way of my career, my social climbing, my chasing the dream of being a published writer. My building a resort for abuse victims to come and learn what I'm learning now.
I want to give my creativity and passions- room.
If that means I leave the silence of now for a different kind, then that is whats supposed to be.
Yes, I said leave. It may be a part of this process. I can't rule anything out.
Life sucks when you give it away being responsible for others.
My authentic self is screaming 'rescue your passion woman, now, before it's too late'.
My life has lost the explosive joy, the wonder, and the allowing my complex desires to be identified and satisfied.
Almost all of my youth lost to following the rules.
I've done good, made good, been good, and now
I am just so run through from all the holding on.
It's not just my disappointment and disillusionment that fuels this blue flame, no, it is the constant threat of falling down- being seen as incapable. Come on, come on, I scream to this maddening bitch I call Mother Goddess. Come on already. Show me the lowest and the darkest so I can deal with the serious, in the dark where it lives.
I need the touch of life, the tussle with a stranger, or to swing with those I adore. You can take that any way you want to. Infer what you will, my loving is beautiful and it deserves to be unchained.
I am ready for a uprising that alters how my feet walk the path I've tread every day.
For years I wanted others to see me responsible, strong,
on purpose, and in command of my growth.
I still want the command of my growth, but without the needless acquiescence.
What is the picture of a good mother? One who denies her own spiritual path, her own sexual nature, her desires for change and purpose?
A mother who denies her own ambition,
because it just looks bad to others?
That's what I did.
I did it, to keep my daughter safe and to let her know consistency.
I wanted her to have a responsible role model.
That is why she seethes with anger at me now.
I set too much aside to be the kind of mother I believed she needed.
But, in doing so I denied her the kind of mother I was meant to be.
Oh, and her anger at me is boundless ... Well that damage is done, nothing can fix the years of the in between, but I know what to do to make things right now. The honesty of who I am, the blazing my own trail is all on me now.
I will be a success as defined by me. I will mother and rear as I see fit,
with my open heart and my best intentions- regardless of how ungraceful they appear .
My daughter will know that pushing for a place in this world is honorable.
-The holding on to the false that she witnessed me do, is not.
I will have some wild times, some existential trips, some actual wandering away from home.
I will work in the field of healing. I will give all I can to it, to my writing, and to my daughter.
I will have love in my life. My private life will be as private as I can make it, but it will for certain be- authentic. Those who get a glimpse can accept me or move on.
And, this ugly, soul crushing pact that I made long ago with conformity, capitulation, and the giving away of self is -forever broken.
I want my life back on my terms. I'll be a mother on my terms.
I will practice and write and love who I choose to love, on my terms.
That's it. No more fear, no more.
My life on my terms, letting it be real, all of it, the serious, the tussle, the loving...
Exhale.
-Renee
all that's been set aside-until things could be right in my world.
A sudden revelation 'that may never ever happen', what now? This on-going feud with my daughter, a silence that will not lay quietly- the loudest silence I have ever known, has brought me to a craving for breaking free, for wild release.
I don't give a shit how my 'living' will be viewed by family and friends.
I need to be selfish for a while.
I've spent too many years in between, being good, being careful, being less then I am capable of, for what? My youth is almost behind me. I see the wrinkles forming on my hands and around my eyes.
Before my 30's disappear from view, I'll invest more time on my purpose, my needs, my daring, my journey.
I demand a month, a year, two years, of tussle and swing. By God, I dare any one to stand in the way of my career, my social climbing, my chasing the dream of being a published writer. My building a resort for abuse victims to come and learn what I'm learning now.
I want to give my creativity and passions- room.
If that means I leave the silence of now for a different kind, then that is whats supposed to be.
Yes, I said leave. It may be a part of this process. I can't rule anything out.
Life sucks when you give it away being responsible for others.
My authentic self is screaming 'rescue your passion woman, now, before it's too late'.
My life has lost the explosive joy, the wonder, and the allowing my complex desires to be identified and satisfied.
Almost all of my youth lost to following the rules.
I've done good, made good, been good, and now
I am just so run through from all the holding on.
It's not just my disappointment and disillusionment that fuels this blue flame, no, it is the constant threat of falling down- being seen as incapable. Come on, come on, I scream to this maddening bitch I call Mother Goddess. Come on already. Show me the lowest and the darkest so I can deal with the serious, in the dark where it lives.
I need the touch of life, the tussle with a stranger, or to swing with those I adore. You can take that any way you want to. Infer what you will, my loving is beautiful and it deserves to be unchained.
I am ready for a uprising that alters how my feet walk the path I've tread every day.
For years I wanted others to see me responsible, strong,
on purpose, and in command of my growth.
I still want the command of my growth, but without the needless acquiescence.
What is the picture of a good mother? One who denies her own spiritual path, her own sexual nature, her desires for change and purpose?
A mother who denies her own ambition,
because it just looks bad to others?
That's what I did.
I did it, to keep my daughter safe and to let her know consistency.
I wanted her to have a responsible role model.
That is why she seethes with anger at me now.
I set too much aside to be the kind of mother I believed she needed.
But, in doing so I denied her the kind of mother I was meant to be.
Oh, and her anger at me is boundless ... Well that damage is done, nothing can fix the years of the in between, but I know what to do to make things right now. The honesty of who I am, the blazing my own trail is all on me now.
I will be a success as defined by me. I will mother and rear as I see fit,
with my open heart and my best intentions- regardless of how ungraceful they appear .
My daughter will know that pushing for a place in this world is honorable.
-The holding on to the false that she witnessed me do, is not.
I will have some wild times, some existential trips, some actual wandering away from home.
I will work in the field of healing. I will give all I can to it, to my writing, and to my daughter.
I will have love in my life. My private life will be as private as I can make it, but it will for certain be- authentic. Those who get a glimpse can accept me or move on.
And, this ugly, soul crushing pact that I made long ago with conformity, capitulation, and the giving away of self is -forever broken.
I want my life back on my terms. I'll be a mother on my terms.
I will practice and write and love who I choose to love, on my terms.
That's it. No more fear, no more.
My life on my terms, letting it be real, all of it, the serious, the tussle, the loving...
Exhale.
-Renee
7 comments:
And you know, because you will be happier - you'll be a better Mom. Go forth, be yourself, fulfill yourself, be a prime example of what you can be. Live right now. Save and work towards the future, too - the future you visualize for yourself - but don't wait for things to be perfect because that ain't gonna happen while you are WAITING for it to happen. Set yourself free. And if your friends and family don't like it, tough shit. If your friends love you, they will be thrilled to see you happy. If they want you to stay in your box, they aren't really friends.
Thank you, I really, really needed this response. I deleted so much of this post thinking it was too bold, to much. But that is the point. I am this bold, and I am too much- always have been. Until I got married then I forced myself into another kind of life to be the picture of the 'good Mother'. Now, I just want the world to see, Mother, is not an ideal... and perfect Mothers suck. Mothers are still women. That's what I'm saying. Thank you.-Renee
The binding spell of the Hierophant has been broken! The Hermit has become the teacher and now the student is breaking free! Enjoy this time and be the wonderful you that has been suppressed.
Wow, Renee... my skin is zinging with energy - your writing is powerful stuff - True and Real!
Your daughter is a lucky girl, her mommy is "in the house" !
love and hugz,
Cully
My dear friend, you have seen the light and now need to seize it with both hands. The reason you will have been having these troubles will be because you were pretending, acting, hiding from the real you.
When you feel happier life will be happier, your daughter will see that you are a person in your own right - not just a mother.
I really hope you read and re read what you have written to reinforce that you mean it to be true and this will happen - I just know you are on the brink of a new life.
Take care my friend, blessed be xxxx
I stumbled onto your blog quite by accident and am so glad that I did. This is quite a post. I've read it several times and will likely read it again. Your words really spoke to me, what I needed to hear at exactly the right time in my life. Very inspiring...
This was a very moving post, one I linked to some of my posts on my blog. I can totally relate to what you are saying...to feeling as though we have to live up to others' expectations of us, that we have to fit into a box or play a role others define for us when it just doesn't fit. I think more people can identify with what you're saying than are willing to admit to it.
I'm not exactly the most learned person on the planet, but one thing I've learned is that a lot of the people who seem like the 'perfect, happy' mother/woman/whatever are anything but, and are feeling just as 'boxed in'. I'm glad to read that you are breaking out of that box that I and others I know have wanted to but have been afraid to. Blessed be...
-theprozacqueen
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